After following United’s transfer business this summer, many fans might be wondering whether Edward Woodward is not the straight and narrow, suit wearing calculated CEO many thought, but actually United’s very own Jordan Belfort.
“A world-class midfielder and a world-class centre back, that’s all I need!”, Louis Van Gaal begged as Ed finished his line of cocaine using Danny Welbeck’s transfer request. For all of six seconds Ed was committed to making sensible decisions and acting on what the club really needed, but then the coke kicked in.
The thing is no one really complained when Woodward returned 3am the next morning in the same clothes, smelling like Dan Bilzerian’s beard with Di Maria and Falcao on each arm. And realistically they shouldn’t.
Ed Woodward resembles the uni student that blows his entire loan on inflatable furniture and custom shot-glasses when he hasn’t eaten for three weeks. However the massive transfer fees and even bigger names are obscuring the truth behind United’s transfer strategy this summer.
Many will question whether United have strengthened in the right areas, still unsatisfied with the players brought in to occupy the midfield and defence. A closer analysis does show that these areas have been addressed, just not quite the way fans were expecting.
United have brought in a combination of versatility and world class quality. Blind, Rojo and Di Maria can play a great number of positions. Defensively, Blind and Rojo will strengthen United hugely, both can occupy a first team spot and cover positions that previously the club has struggled to fill.
It would be naïve to think that Di Maria has been bought to only play as a winger, for last season he did an excellent job in midfield for Real Madrid and it is obvious Van Gaal wants him to recreate this role at Old Trafford. This means United have brought in three midfielders this season and three defenders. Versatility is key in understanding the strategy.
So Ed did actually buy the necessary requirements, he just made it look like he was nipping out to buy eggs and milk only to return with Charlie Sheen’s mum, a rubber glove and three cans of femfresh.
This explains his decision to celebrate by popping a couple lemmon loods and signing Falcao late on Monday night. In true Belfort fashion, he acted impulsively and seized the opportunity.
As the dust settled the next morning and Woodward woke up in Gernsey holding a half drunk bottle of Shinji Kagawa’s tears and a stream of offensive texts funnelling through from Malky Mackay he might wonder what happened during the crazy night that were the last two weeks of the transfer window.
No one is quite sure yet, but someone should probably let Phil Neville out of the washing machine.
Will Dawson Follow @William__Dawson