Jun 30
Exclusive: The sorry life of a former United player
Welcome. Today we tell you the story of a player who not too long ago wore the famous red shirt of our club. We must warn you that the story is grim, in a Dickensian sort of way; for a start the protagonist is allegedly a dick who alleges that others may also be dicks — hence the Dickensian theme.
This is a story of a man, sorry boy (manchild?), who wishes to remain anonymous; let us call him Charles.
For the purposes of lending authenticity to the story, this writer wishes to narrate it in the first person. So sit back with your cup of coffee, and read.
Hello, dear fans. My name is Charles (real name withheld). Most of you might recognize me for my steadfast commitment to your dear club. You see, I’m the one who runs for the whole 90 minutes when a certain preening prima donna looks to whinge most of the time, only turning up to score some flukey free kicks; while some east European lazy oaf saunters about, like he was paid to walk about the park. (What do you say? He leads the assist chart? Well let me tell you something, statistics are like arseholes, everyone has one. Er, that analogy didn’t fit, but you get the point, don’t you? He’s an arsehole.)
But I digress; I work my socks off, dear fans, and your love for me proved that I was right to work said socks off for the team. Yet, what do I get? An away game to Liverpool? Just 34 appearances this season? About £10m for the two years of running every game for 90 minutes?
I tell you what, Britain has a new President. What is that you say? Prime minister? Sigh! You know very little, dear friends. Very little. Sir Alex is the president of Britain. It’s true. Which is why I have gathered you all. He is the president of Britain and he controls the world from his office at Old Trafford, and I’ll tell you what, I think I have discovered he’s a part of the Govan mafia. Don’t you get it? I mean, tell me one thing: who sips wine in the vineyards of southern France, with a cell phone on the other hand, belting out orders to his minions. I don’t know about you, but for someone like me who’s grown up in tough neighbourhoods, that looks like the overlord of a vast criminal organisation. You know, what I saw was just the tip of the iceberg. I know you may talk about David Conn’s new column on the Guardian that promises to uncover the murky footballing underworld, but I have far more murky information. My murk wipes the floor with his murk.
But despite this knowledge I thought, for the good of the team and, especially you, my dear fans, I would keep mum and hope my loyalty to the President, and Great Master would be repaid. But, you know what, he turned out to be colder than any of the Scorsese gangsters rolled into one. At least, they cared for family. This man, made me feel an outsider to the family. And when I went home to my family (my other one), I took only sadness with me.
The recession hasn’t helped either. (I believe I must blame recession too, because everyone seems to blame it for everything, and I think one can make perfect sense by ending any sentence with the phrase ‘due to recession’. But then, I digress.)
I tell you. The life of a footballer is not easy these days. Especially at a club like United. I know, I’m sorry, dear friends, I love you all, but I must tell you, I wasn’t loved at the club. And hence I thought I must move on. Also my best friend — some people say he owns me and my rights, but I am a self made man — let’s call him Hyundai (I can’t let you in on his real name, but Hyundai is the only other Korean car manufacturer I could think of, the other being my ‘owner’s’ name) said United weren’t even making an offer for us. I mean, they made an offer for us but he said there wouldn’t be enough time for us to make up my mind. I know, it sounds crazy, but Hyundai never lies. He’s a man of integrity, and I’ll ever be indebted to him, even though I’m a self made man.
So, on that note, I have come to the conclusion that loyalty is a two way street. And since I was never felt wanted, I must leave with a heavy heart. I still love your City. The rain calms my nerves, and at least the blue side will give me enough money to be able to put food on my plate three times a day. Now I can at least fly to the training ground instead of driving. Take that, you Real Madrid loving, United-betraying winker! And with a heavy heart I must say again, I love you dear fans, and thank you for sticking up for me, which is why I am sticking it up to you.
Regards,
Charles.
PS: BUT SAF SHOULD HAVE STARTED ME FOR THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Related items from Red Rants:
- Interview with Phillippe Auclair
- How’s the latest episode of the Ronaldo-Madrid soap opera an ‘exclusive’?
- Ronaldo’s Alligator Adventure + Cannavaro – Zola – Eriksson – Pele – Banks – Ferdinand
- We’re on the Telegraph’s Top 10 Man Utd Websites
- Sky Sports and the Sun continue to be a disgrace
Tags: Manchester United Players
Opti (541)
RedDevilEddy (459)
Stephen (454)
Craig Mc (344)
Moscow is my heaven (272)
@NicoQB: i don’t get how we have been made a mockery by just about everybody? We have missed out on one player mate.
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@Stephen: We all agree here.
I hope that we meet Madrid next year in the CL; not even in finals, but in the knock out stages and we would then humiliate them home and away with Nani, Rooney and Berbatov shining brightly.
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USA have surpassed portugal in fifa rankings hahaha ronny get your team together sorry CQ just come back and well do it quietly so you can save face you are at your best to the right of the Scotsman.
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@Red Ranter: They already signed Raul Albiol from Valencia. He is very good. Only (
) £13m so didn’t make the front pages
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@NicoQB: I agree mate playing Real next season would be superb, we need more quality and I know I have been banging on about it but the midfield is an area we need to focus on.
I do have a feeling next season could be big for Berba, and I hope it works for the lad.
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@Stephen: We’re missing out on Ribery and Aguero (both too exopensive); Villa and Benzema (not interested)
Other world class strikers in the world simply won’t join us. I’d fancy Henry but he’s too faithful to the Arsenal of old.
I’m personally frustrated as we’ve got a shitload of money and can do seemingly nothing with it. All signings would be a step down from our professed targets from now on.
Anybody who’s been a regular on redrants might have heard me moaning about french television coverage of United. They politely respect our achievements but never get taken in, or rather do not give enough credit and glamour to our achievements. I’ve got theory of mine as to why french players are not interested to play for us – Its all because of the media – canal + (the rough equivalent of Sky in france) idolize Arsenal. Ask any french citizen about any EPL team and they’ll come up with arsenal first, having no idea that the arse have been underperforming for the past 3 seasons. I think this reflects on players and in the end, as Arsenal just can’t afford france’s top players, the players settle for Spain – the Zidane factor. Its not haphazardly that Zidane ended up a director of sorts at Real. I think that part of his job is already done now that Benzema has signed.
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@Jay wire: Just noticed that thise players you mentioned are not world class. On his day (and right now he isn’t) Schneider is, but the others are just very good.
With the exit of Ronaldo… blah blah
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@Matt: It really depends on who our big signing will be up front. If it’s Aguero, I say go after a DMF because Aguero is a creator not just a goal scorer. If we get an out and out striker like Huntelaar or Villa for example, then I think the need for an attacking midfielder becomes paramount. The reason I love Hernanes so much is because he is both. He has the graft and grit to play the defensive role plus he has great attacking skills and finesse to be a creator as well. Unfortunately Fergie isn’t listening to anyone yet alone me.
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@Stephen: Stay away from Frenchmen. They have a bad predisposition for loving Spain.
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@Traverse: Barcelona are inquiring about Silva so I think our chances against them is slim to none.
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@NicoQB: We will miss out on Ribery but maybe not the Argie, but who knows mate.
You might be spot on though mate about your conspiracy mate see where you are coming from there, but we did sign a very youthful Blanc who actually got out paced by a sloth the day he signed for us as part of his medical.
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@NicoQB: Kaka is a useless git.
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Ok I’m off to watch some tennis.
Need to forget about footy a bit…
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@Grognard: Oh jesus I am off Argies and now Frenchman to boot, now I know why we are focussing on Ecuadorian’s but don’t they speak……….. Spanish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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@Craig Mc: Benzema was only willing to listen in order to force Madrid to act. It’s called playing your bluff. He had no intention of ever coming to play for us. It was either play for Madrid or stay another year with Lyon. Benzema’s history and his idolization for one Zinedine Zidane is the prime motivator. Like Ribery, Benzema has Zidane on the brain and this affliction is the most powerful and seductive weapon Madrid have. We stand no chance against this team with any player out there if they want him to. So my solution to the problem? Take the players on their roster that they don’t want. Nothing wrong with Huntelaar, Sneijder, van der Vaart, Drenthe, Robben etc. They are all top class players who are being phased out because of financial restrictions and because Madrid wants bigger and more expensive players. Expect them to get Ribery soon too. There’s no stopping these mother fuckers.
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@Stephen: You got it mate. And if you and I are smart enough to see this, then what the Hell is Fergie smoking? I seriously hope he was playing a bluff hoping to get Madrid to buy him so that he could go after Villa but I doubt it. My God, Aguero and Huntelaar are out there just waiting for us and he;s searching in all the wrong places for players who had no intention of ever playing for us.
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@Dan: What cons? Aguero is a world class player of immense skill and class. It’s like saying Messi or Ronaldo would be risks. No way. Aguero is the answer. And he wants to play for us. How frakken unique is that these days?
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@Craig Mc: That’s possible but I just felt he looked very sullen. Still, he is not the name we need to get. I’m happy we got him but if he is going to be the main player we get, we might as well slash our wrists now. My God, we are now talking about Robben whose a stiff and Cahill who is good but not United class.
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@Grognard: I find it very odd mate, he seemed absolutly smitten with the moody Frenchman, Huntelaar would give his left nut to play for us and that for the club and fans is surely more desirable rather than a player who has no interest in playing for us.
He is also a box player and with Berba and Rooney that would bring everthing out of their game, Fergie open you eyes please.
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@Stephen: Agree about Blanc!
But the man was, and still is, class. One of the few french people in football to genuinely “get” Manchester United. the others being Evra and Cantona…
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@Fred The Red: I agree. Huntelaar is a better player than Benzema and far more prolific. The other great thing about Huntelaar is that for a big man he has great agility scoring with headers, bicycle kicks, banana kicks and can also score with a hard shot from outside the box. What the Hell more do we need? Benzema was never as prolific as Hunter and he brought much baggage and an attitude with him.
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@Craig Mc: It’s fine if you don’t agree with me mate. You could be right about Valencia. But then again, I might be right too. We just don’t know for sure.
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@NicoQB: Fergie was doing his Mounty gotta get his man regardless of age or how they will fit into the side, lets wait we will probably get Veira this summer, five years too late at least!!
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@Red Ranter: It’s not like we never had the 7 million extra to top that offer. So my feeling is that either Fergie came to his senses or he was bluffing about buying Benzema all along. Perhaps he has a better and bigger fish to fry. Who knows?
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@colver: I said that a few weeks ago. He is stubborn and very egotistical and he likes to party. In Madrid there is much to do and nobody seems to control the players or put limits on their extracurricular activities. I could see Ronaldo being seduced by the dark side and going to Hell in a hand basket because he comes across as a person without a great deal of logic or intelligence. Prime bait for the sharks of Madrid to take aim at him.
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@NicoQB: The game is still slow in Spain so he will fit in alright.
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@NicoQB: If we do have so much money, then please tell me why we aren’t offering it to Ribery or Aguero? I don’t care, I give either one of their team’s 50 million in a heartbeat.
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@Stephen: That’s why I have been screaming for two years now for more Germans, Dutch and Russians. Great players from all those countries and players who would play in England and most importantly, for us.
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@Stephen: Hell I’d give Fergie both of my nuts if he would sign the Hunter. I’m beginning to think that Fergie is clueless these days. He showed me that in the CL final and it’s only getting worse.
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@NicoQB: Cantona is born French but like he has said many times in the past, he isn’t French because he doesn’t think French. I love the King.
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@Stephen: If we ever were to sign the old and over the hill Vieira, I would change my team allegiance. I absolutely hate his guts. After a post season of incredible disappointment, that would be the final slap in my face to be sure.
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@Grognard: He needs to get out of his comfort zone and show us that he is still has it, be bold in the market Valencia is no better than what we have, it is the case of the classic Fergie had a good game against O’Shea playing left back and he wants to sign him.
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@Grognard: More Europeans and less Latins, they do not settle well in the tropical temp of Manc Land, Veira is a cheating Gooner but Fergie got obsessed with him years back and nothing would surpise me at the moment.
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@Grognard: Not cons of his ability, but cons of how hed fit in.
-Plays same position as roo
-we havent had much luck with argies
-tevez and maradona will always pressure him into leaving
-the team at atletico is built around him, it wont be the case at utd.
-£50mil is a gamble on any player you buy, and an expensive one at that. Id rather go for a cheaper huntelaar. That says it all really.
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I obviously meant less Latin’s as well as Latin Euros!
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As much as it pains me to admit this, this is reality, we have never been able to compete with the top Spanish and a few years ago the Italian sides whenever it came to attracting the top foreign stars at the peak of their careers, 90 percent of our former greats were home grown, British or had not yet reached their potential.
The top players that we were linked with this summer were pie in the sky bye and bye pipe dreams who I hope we were never really interested in.
Ribery, Villa, Kaka, Silva where all names bandied about in the press that we had zero chance of getting, Benzema and Aguero were maybes, so its time to come back down to earth and start targeting realistic signings.
Despite our size and stature in the world of football The Madrids and Barcas of this world will always get their man in front of us, so our policy should be based on the following, buy the best British talent there is, widen the scouting net in the eastern European markets and not just South America and finally, start to develop our own talent through the youth system which has consistently churned out top players stretching as far back as Busby but in recent years has not been good enough for a club like ours.
Also our attitude in the areas of acquiring the top talent must be more ruthless, take Costa for example, he has played roughly as many games for Gremio as young Raphael has for us, both have made good impacts at junior international level and both have signed long term contracts because of the promise they have shown, now my point is this, what do you think our reaction would be if Barca came to us and said that they wanted to sign Raphael but they wanted to take him for a 3 week trial first, they would be told to take a jump, and rightly so, but we are doing just that with Costa, a kid with bundles and bundles of raw talent, its embarrassing, just go and sign the kid before someone else does, coz the top players that we are wasting our time on are not coming, end off.
Add Pastore, Sanchez, Hernanes, Nilmar and Dentinho too that list of maybes, combined with the likes of Ashley Young and Jack Rodwell and you have the future sorted.
Then combine some of these hopefuls with the likes of Pogrebynak, Huntelaar and Zhirkovs of this world and when you add it to what we already have in the likes of Rooney, Rio, Hargreaves, Evra,Vidic , The Da Silvas, Evans, Berbatov and Nani then Im convinced that we would be extremely competitive and more stable.
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@Grognard: Nani on the right, and Nani on the left – I know I’m right
,
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@Grognard: I thought some team in Germany had just bought Hernanes Grog? What nationality is he by the way?
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Grognard, Im glad we feel the same way. Of course it would be a waste of an incredible talent but I could never enjoy watching him play for Real so I hope he fails there and thinks back about players like Scholes and Giggs who stayed at the top for most of their careers because we take care of our players and care about football rather than glamour.
Fergie doesn’t cast his net wide. I really don’t think many players are on his radar. If he misses out on his other targets (and I think Benzema and Ribery were on that list) which I think is almost certain then Fergie will be twiddling his thumbs. I don’t rate our scouting staff so we’ll end up with another flop like Kleberson.
It is a real shame because how often do we get £80 million to spend. Ronaldo was amazing but he was only one player. With £80 million we can buy 2 or 3 great players to make our side even better than when we were a one man team revolving around Ronaldo. I cannot give you names off the top of my head although I fancy Aguero and Sneijder and from what Grognard has told us Huntelaar seems perfect for us. But at a club like United we should have personnel capable of identifying the players we need that can take our team to the next level. So often we have been cash constrained but now we can outspend everyone bar City (who no one wants to join) and Real (who are so focused on buying galacticos they will overlook the up and coming stars)
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@NicoQB: So why is needing free kicks and penalties to build up your goal tally a problem, it worked for Ronaldo?
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@Fred The Red: Agree. But once in a while a player will break through and all and sundry will realise that he’s a wee bit special.
When Ribery had his breakthrough season at Marseille all could see it, except Fergie listened to the not-always-sure-fire advice of CQ and went for Nani(no dissing him craig, but its clear Ribery >>>> Nani).
Now Gourcuff is the new diamond in french league and I’m adamant that he’ll turn our bloody world class if a big club signs him and plays him regularly. + he’s a poster boy, and would have great marketing value imho.
And finally from various features about him I saw, its clear that he’s not as dumb as Ribery or Benzema.
Sign him!!!
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@Fred The Red: Fred, thats the Wenger philosophy
. I would agree in many points though!
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@Craig Mc: Ronaldo built up his tally to near 30 a season (with him injured early on the past season).
And he had that unreal season at 42 goals.
Gignac had a full season with penalties and free kicks and reached 24, and with only a measerly 2 assists.
My hunch is that if Rooney had a full season and took penalties he would definitely reach 30 goals a season, not counting free kicks.
I may still be wrong about Gignac though. Its just that Benzema was a proven quantity, turining it on for 3 seasons now, whereas Gignac was moderately crap before last season.
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@Grognard: I agree that Kaka might still just do it in Spain, but he’ll de playing second, no, third fiddle behind Ronaldo and Benzema.
@Stephen: I wouldn’t be surprised!
Still think that Henry would be a good signing though.
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our hero next season fingers crossed!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMydX-E11YI
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@Dan: Atletico Madrid is not built around him
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@Dan: I see your point but having four players that play the same has never turned Fergie off before. I love Aguero but here’s the thing, I’m a greedy prick. I want Aguero and Huntelaar and send Berbatov to Juventus who have shown interest. A front line of Hunter in the middle and Rooney and Aguero on his sides but not too wide would scare the Hell out of anyone.
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@Craig Mc: There is only one Nani and a con man trying to supplant the Lil Man. You wait and see.
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@Matt: Cristiano Ronaldo was our goal threat from midfield. He is not a striker in my opinion.
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@colver: What really upsets me and worries me is we won’t spend the remaining money and as time goes by it will be used up by the Glazer’s. Fergie needs to know the meaning of strike while the iron is hot. Stop being a cheap SOB and spend the god damned money already. I honestly don’t care any more about caution. Buying anyone beats not buying at all.
Meanwhile, our new reputation as a second rate team is beginning to grow as nobody seems to want to pick us any more and instead is going to Spain. I honestly wish a plague on that country. Ugly and extremely overrated.
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